i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
