If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So much Jack, so little girl.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
