you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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