Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
