Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
