Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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