Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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