Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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