Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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