im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
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Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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