I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
