not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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