if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
