The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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