I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
