At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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