Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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