not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
