there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
