Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
