there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
