I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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