i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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