Sacagawea was the original milf.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
