This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
