I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
