he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
