The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Come share oat with me in your robe
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
