when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
