No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
