can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize