So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
