I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
