Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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