I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
