so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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