I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
