i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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