broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
did you just send me my own nude
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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