The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
