I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
