Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
