I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
