I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
