I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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