at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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