There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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