I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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