I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
