told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
