considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
