Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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