The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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