she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
