My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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