Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
