First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just threw up on my dentist
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
