I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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