I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
