Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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